Levi Is Watching

I feel very guilty.  So guilty that I banished all chargers out of the bedroom.  I read this and got goose bumps.
I am guilty of reading blogs, deleting junk mail, looking through Mark Bittman's recipe app and thumbing through Instagram while nursing Levi.  Sometimes I delude myself, telling myself I am multitasking and not wasting my time on games (although I've had flings with Words Free and Hanging).

I am guilty of looking at my iPhone when out walking with Levi.  And for what, really?  What am I going to miss? Let me backtrack.  I know I miss a lot when I'm looking down at my iPhone--I miss opportunities to connect with Levi about things outside the home.  

I have some good days and some bad days.  On the days I'm feeling not very stimulated I reach for my iPhone or iPad too often, feeling ashamed but grateful no one is watching, as if it's a dirty secret habit.  But Levi watches me.  

On the days I'm feeling like a supermama, my iPhone sits somewhere running out of power in this old Breuckelen house, lost and forgotten.  Then I suddenly remember, hoping I didn't miss any important texts.  Once I found my iPhone in the laundry basket in the evening--it was put there when changing the sheets that morning.  That's how great I was that day.  Present, tuned in, available.

I sneak glances at my iPhone occasionally when on the rug playing with Levi, hoping he doesn't notice.  But sometimes when I look up at Levi, he signs, "Fish."  That's his sign for a fish app I introduced to him out of desperation during a flight.  When he signs that, I think, oops.  Busted.

Levi watches me.

I.  Have.  To.  Stop.

Okay, that's not realistic.  I have to reduce use of my iDevice, not stop.

What should I do?  Remove the mounting social media apps on my iPhone and use it simply to communicate via text and email?

I acknowledge the fact that I am a stay at home mama, away from other adults most of the time.  The internet is my bridge to the world these days, especially since I do not watch television.  My need to check in with social media is valid.  But how often do I really need to check in?  There is a time and place for everything, so I need to consciously think about the time and place I choose to check in.

I know I'd feel free.  Douglas and I led a television free life for a few years.  We played games, exercised, worked on our own projects and felt much more fulfilled than we did watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 marathons.   We got a television just a year and half ago, and now we use it sporadically (we use it to watch Netflix movies).  I learned how to do without television, so why not the iPhone?

I want Levi to look up and see me looking back more often.